Nobody Knows
by SaraBeth
Summary: Just a little look into Remus Lupin's life from the day Lily and James were murdered to after PoA.


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Author's notes: This is just a little songfic I decided to write. It skips through time quite a bit, but it's fairly understandable. As far as background info, in case you can't figure it out, Addi is Sirius' twin sister, and Remus' fiancée. She also belongs to my friend Kaydi, not me. Nothing else belongs to me either. L Well, please r/r and let me know what you think! Here it is.

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Tony Rich Project - Nobody Knows

Remus sat on his sofa staring at Addi, who stood in front of him, her eyes glistening with tears. Her last words rang harshly in his ears. "Sirius is innocent. I know it." He stared at his fiancée, searching for something he could say to the ridiculous statement she'd just made. Addi trembled like she always did when she was angry or upset, and tears streamed down her face, which was stained red from crying. Remus swallowed, trying to keep from crying himself. 

"Sirius killed James, Lily and Peter," his hoarse voice spoke barely above a whisper. "All evidence points to it. I explained the secret keeper charm to you a thousand times." He forced himself to remain calm as Addi closed her eyes and shook her head. There was a hollow silence. Finally, Addi spoke, her lips trembling, eyes trying to blink back uncontrollable tears.

"Sirius is my brother, my twin, and I know he would never do that."

"We all thought we knew Sirius," Remus whispered grimly, his hoarse voice harsh and bitter compared to his usual calm, even tone. "But obviously we didn't. None of us knew the real Sirius Black. We only thought we did." He shut his eyes, his head pounding with the realization of everything that had happened. He wanted to sleep, sleep forever and wake only when everything was normal again, but it could never be.

"I know my brother!" Addi objected, sobbing loudly. "And I know he's innocent!"

"God, would you stop saying that?" Remus snapped. "You have no idea how much I want to believe it, but we've got to face reality, and the sooner the better!" He could no longer control the tears forming in his eyes and flowing down his cheeks.

"You don't know what it's like to be a twin! You don't understand!" Addi shouted.

"Addi, I know this has got to be harder for you than it is for me," said Remus, regaining his calm sense. "But Sirius betrayed us. And now he's getting what he deserves. At least he'll be locked away in Azkaban where he won't be able to hurt anyone else." He realized that his words offered more pain than comfort.

"Why won't you listen to me?" Addi pleaded.

"Because you're being ridiculous!" Remus shouted.

"But he didn't do it!" shrieked Addi, desperate for Remus to take her seriously.

"Then who did?" demanded Remus. Addi didn't know what to say.

"See?" demanded Remus. "See what you're doing to yourself? You can't live a lie, Addi. You've got to face reality someday!"

"Well maybe it's time for you to face reality!" shrieked Addi. "It's over, Remus! Over! I can't take this anymore!" She stormed to her room, and Remus felt compelled to follow. He stepped into the entryway to find the dreaded sight. Addi's large trunk was sitting open in the center of the room, and she was furiously tossing her belongings into it. Remus could think of nothing to say to stop her, and she paid no attention to him. He thought of apologizing, but why should he when he was the one who was right and Addi was being ridiculous? He turned and walked from the room, feeling hollow, like he'd died with Lily, James, and Peter. The last thing he had, the last person left, was slipping away from him, and he knew there was nothing he could do to stop it. He headed back to the living room, and stood there, waiting for the inevitable to happen. Finally, Addi emerged from the room, wheeling the trunk behind her. She looked less upset than she had earlier, her eyes were no longer as red and swollen, and her face wasn't tearstained as it had been. She placed the trunk near the door. Then she turned to Remus and, without warning, flung herself into his arms. Confused, he embraced her, shut his eyes, and just held her there. He felt her lips against his. When they parted, Addi whispered, "I love you, Remus." Her tear-clouded eyes stared deep into his. Suddenly she pulled away from his embrace and said in a more hostile tone, "I have to go now. I can't take it here anymore." With that, she turned abruptly and, grabbed the handle of her suitcase, and with a flounce of her auburn hair, walked out the door. The words rang in Remus' ears and tears spilled from his eyes.

"Good, go!" he called after her bitterly. He felt as though someone had stabbed a knife through his heart.

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I pretend that I'm glad you went away 

These four walls closin' more every day 

and I'm dying inside 

and nobody knows it but me 

He stared in front of him at the space where Addi had just been standing. He replayed her leaving a thousand times in his mind, not believing it, and stared at the door, certain she'd changed her mind and was on her way back to him. Finally, when he could take the pain no longer, he forced himself to sleep, crying for everything that had happened in the past few days. His perfect little life had been violently ripped into pieces, and he knew that the aftermath to follow would be worse than anything he'd already faced. But it was better that Addi left, he reasoned. She needed her space and he needed his. She thought that Sirius was innocent. She didn't care that he'd gotten Lily and James killed, and murdered Peter and twelve muggles himself. So didn't that make her just as bad, for defending a murderer? Six months later, he still occasionally stared at that door, hoping for it to swing open and reveal his love.

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like a clown I put on a show 

The pain is real even if nobody knows 

and I'm cryin' inside 

and nobody knows it but me 

"How have you been, Remus?" He stood in Dumbledore's office, upon invitation.

"I'm fine," he said calmly, forcing a smile. 

"I know these last few months have been difficult for you," said Dumbledore.

"Well, at least Voldemort has been defeated," Remus said. "And Sirius is locked up in Azkaban where he can't harm anymore innocent people." He couldn't believe that he'd just spoken. Had it been his own voice, or someone else's?

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Why didn't I say 

the things I needed to say 

How could I let my angel get away 

Now my world is just a tumblin' down 

I can say it so clearly 

but you're nowhere around

Addi had moved into a new flat, all by herself. But she wasn't lonely. It was peaceful to be alone, away from arguments and away from love. It was all too dangerous. Addi wasn't taken to people anymore, she forced herself to enjoy being alone, and would go weeks without talking to anyone. Of course she had no one to talk to now. In the back of her mind, the thought that Remus had been right about Sirius lingered. No matter how much she tried to block it out, she couldn't. And she still loved Remus, although she hated to admit it. Why hadn't she tried harder to work things out with him? Because of her temper. One thing she and Sirius had always shared was their temper when they got angry. And she always regretted it afterwards, she regretted it now. But she couldn't go back. She couldn't admit that she was wrong. It hurt to believe that her own twin had murdered her best friends, his best friends. And besides, why should Remus take her back anyway? Who wanted to have anything to do with the relative of a murderer?

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad 

and I just keep thikin' 'bout the love that we had 

and I'm missin' you 

and nobody knows it but me

It was hard to believe how fast the years passed by. Three years since the day that Addi had left him. Three years since he'd last seen her. Remus sighed and glanced at the clock on his bedside table. Three a.m. As usual he couldn't sleep. He kept all of his emotions trapped inside of him. They couldn't show on the outside. He'd just smile and stay calm and collected. It wasn't that difficult, he'd done it for as long as he could remember. Feeling alone wasn't something new to him. Werewolves don't tend to acquire friends easily, and the few he'd had were gone. So where did that leave him? Back where he'd started, but worse. Because now he'd experienced friendship, he'd felt true love. So now he missed it. But he couldn't have missed it if he had never had it. Did the good times outweigh the heartache, or was his whole life a mistake? He felt like screaming, shouting out to the world and hoping someone would listen, hoping Addi would hear how much he still loved her and thought about her constantly, hoping Sirius would hear how much pain he'd caused him, how he'd destroyed the lives of more people than he knew of. It had been so long since he'd heard his own voice, so long since he'd spoken to another human being, that he'd nearly forgotten what it felt like.

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two 

and I'm nobody without someone like you 

I'm tremblin' inside and nobody knows it but me 

I lie awake it's a quarter past three 

I'm screamin' at night as if I thought you'd hear me 

Yeah my heart is callin' you 

and nobody knows it but me 

It was Halloween, ten years after James and Lily's deaths, a day before Peter's, and Remus' birthday. Addi sat alone in her flat. Why did it feel like the last ten years had stood still in time? It seemed like only yesterday that she'd left Remus, his discontented face still imprinted in her mind, like the guilt she still felt. She couldn't escape it. "How could you do this to yourself, Sirius?" she demanded, pretending he could hear her. "How could you do this to me? How could you do this to James, Lily and Peter? And most of all, Sirius, how could you do this to Mum and Dad? How could you join leagues with the man who killed them? I don't believe you did it. How could you?" She listened to the silence after she spoke, almost expecting to hear Sirius reply. How she wanted to hear him say that he was innocent, and know he was telling the truth, and let everything go back to normal again. But she heard nothing but the clock ticking on the wall, wasting away more and more seconds of her miserable life. How long could she last this way? How long would it take for her to begin to put the pieces of her violently torn apart life back together?

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How blue can I get 

You could ask my heart 

but like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn 

all apart

A large owl fluttered through the open window of Remus' tiny cottage and landed on the desk in front of him with a letter. Remus stared in disbelief. He never got mail anymore. He reached out slowly to take the letter, his heart pounding. Could it be from Addi? After all these years, did she still feel the same about him as he felt about her? But the letter soon proved not to be from Addi, as Remus spotted the old familiar Hogwarts crest stamped on the front. He carefully tore the letter open, unfolded it, and read. 

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Dear Remus,

The new school year is approaching quickly and I am in great need of a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I would be honored to have you fulfill the position, as you have before. However, I understand if you aren't feeling up to coming back. Memories can get the better of us sometimes, and James' son Harry is attending school here now. The resemblance is amazing, I must tell you. I think it may do you well to be back around people again. I do hope you will consider fulfilling this request. Please notify me of you decision as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Albus Dumbledore

Remus stared at the piece of paper, frowning. Could he go back? Could he really face that school and those memories again? Who knew, but he could try. He would try. A surge of determination running through his veins, he picked up his quill and a piece of parchment and scrawled in sloppy handwriting.

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Headmaster,

I'd be honored to accept the position. Thank you for all that you've done for me. I am eternally grateful. See you soon.

Sincerely,

Remus J. Lupin

He folded the letter and gave it back to the owl, who sat on the desk, patiently awaiting his reply. It gave a small hoot of approval before heading off out the window. Remus stood and walked to the tiny mirror hanging on the wall to look at the state he was in. He barely recognized the person he saw staring back at him. His hair was long and scraggly, nearly to his chin. He hadn't bothered to cut it. His beard and mustache covered most of his face, because he no longer bothered to shave. His once pale blue eyes had become sunken in and faded to a harsh, icy gray. His once red-brown hair was now flecked with gray. He looked more wolf than human. It's not me, he thought, observing himself. 

An hour later, he looked in the mirror again. He sighed with relief. Under all that hair, which he'd cut, and beard and mustache, which he'd shaved, was a person who looked nearly the same as he had thirteen years ago. Only a few slight wrinkles and the gray that tainted his hair gave away that so much time had passed. It was time to move on with life, he decided. He'd spent enough time feeling sorry for himself, and living for the past. This was his opportunity, and he'd take it.

He thought about writing to Addi and telling her. The least he could do after all these years was give her the apology he owed her, to be free of his guilt. He sat at his desk, and tried a thousand times, until the floor around him was covered him crumbled parchment, but he couldn't come up with the right words to say.

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A million words wouldn't say just how 

I feel 

A million years from now ya know 

I'll be lovin' you still 

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad 

and I just keep thikin' 'bout the love that we had 

and I'm missin' you 

and nobody knows it but me

Remus sat on the train, reviewing in his mind all that he'd learned in the last few days. The school year was over, and he was once again leaving Hogwarts, but this time he had a whole new outlook on his life. Sirius had been innocent. He didn't kill Lily and James, Peter did. And Peter was still alive. Now Sirius was free from Azkaban, though still believed guilty. As unbelievable as the story was, it was true. Addi had been right. Remus stared down at the tattered piece of paper he held clutched in his fist. Printed neatly on it was an address, Addi's address. He'd searched and searched for it and the first thing he was going to do was to find her and explain everything. How thrilled she'd be to hear the news! If only she'd listen to him. He hoped she'd give him a chance.

Tomorrow mornin' I'm hittin' the 

dusty road 

gonna find you wherever, ever you 

might go 

I'm gonna unload my heart and hope 

you come back to me 

Addi sat in her tiny living room, listening to the peaceful silence around her, consumed in thoughts. She heard a faint tapping. She listened, and heard it again. It was coming from the door. Who could it be? She wondered. No one ever visited her. She walked to the door and pulled it open. There, standing before her, wearing a familiar grin on his aged face behind those tired eyes, was Remus.

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said when the nights are lonely... 

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad 

and I just keep thinkin' 'bout the love that we had 

and I'm missin' you 

and nobody knows it but me 

"Hello, Remus," she said slowly, surprised just to see him.

"Hi," he replied. "May I come in?"

"Sure," she replied, stepping out of the way and allowing him to enter. Remus drew in a deep breath.

"Well, you're not going to believe it, but I've got a lot of explaining to do," he began.


End file.
